Everybody can say its not my fault but what difference does it make? I think I deserve everything that comes to me in some sense.
On the real though. I am content with life at the moment. Not happy, just content. Living it one day at a time, and I think thats best.
for how long it took me to let things go
It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open
Just when I think I express myself well, others have a way with words to describe a situation better than you can yourself.
Wow I’m really losing it.
I don’t want you out of my life but if its to benefit my mental health, I guess I have to. This losing people close to you thing 1 by 1 hurts.
Rustie is my new god.
I guess I served my purpose. I remember saying, a loooong time ago that I wouldn’t leave/forget about her because a lot of people had in her past, even though I’m a stupid internet guy, I’d always be here for her or be somebody to talk to when you need it. I guess I never thought about myself, huh.
I can’t think about this much. It does no use. I got out all my anger/frustration/tears that night and can’t dwell on it anymore.
What I did realize is that I’m not apologizing for visiting somebody I wanted to when I had the chance. I wasn’t going to let things just happen. I wanted to have a good time. I followed my heart, it said “visit this person while you have the time/money/power” to. I didn’t have feelings like I was accused of “having reasons” for visiting. I swear on my grandmas grave. 5 months ago? Yes. A year ago? Definitely, I wouldn’t be going there with a clear mind, but I don’t know man. I’m just bummed because I was so excited to meet this person that I’ve talked to, shared with, helped, been helped by and put more into than anybody in recent memory. I mean for gods sake, I remember talking about visiting her in Orlando, NY, Cali, Toronto, and then Toronto again. This is something that I least expected, even with her not talking to me for 2 months, I thought it was because she was busy.
I won’t apologize for caring too much or “putting her on a pedestal”, because she does mean that much to me. I’ve moved on, but I guess I needed to “move on” again. I still won’t hate her. It’s not in my fucking blood as much as I want to. I just can’t reach out to somebody that probably stopped caring about me. a long while ago. I thought when she called back after the whole NY thing, she cared. It meant a lot. Life happens. I still wish her well and I pray that she gets better everyday. I wish it didn’t have to be like this but it was made very clear to me that everything in the past year plus apparently meant shit and I served my purpose. Any moment things can change. Nobody is safe. It sucks, but it is what it is. In this world you have to hurt people before they hurt you, and I’m a dummy that prides myself on not hurting anybody.
Anyway, all I wanted to do was chill. Like Large Professor, but it didnt happen so yeah. Going to go grub.
P.S. Toronto is a beautiful city. Nice, clean, beautiful people. I would like to visit when its not cold as fuck. It wasn’t even snowing, but I’m too used to this heat.
The process of traveling is a fucking nightmare
Getting a passport
Getting a hotel thats not shitty and isnt expensive as fuck
Transportation (Taxis/buses/rental cars)
Sitting on a train for 17-20 hrs (thats my fault)
Making sure you dont forget to pack stuff
Jesus christ this is all very draining
The next week is going to be very hectic and I probably won’t sleep at all.
I’ve thought so much about the moment but it’s strange its happening when its the most muted. I really don’t care either way. It’s something I’ve spoke on feeling right. I don’t care what you’ve done to me.
I really want to believe that things do pay off in life. Paying off in this sense is seeing people that mean a lot to you. I’m sure I am surrounded by people in Florida that others would love to be around, and in the same sense I’m envious towards people I’m not privileged to see or talk to often.
I don’t care how ugly the road you took to got there as long as you do, and my fucking god its been a hell of a roller coaster. Ideal or not, I’ve been trying for a long ass time. And I’ve done it without trying to hurt anybody, even though I probably have. I can be a dick to a lot of people but I absolutely hate hurting people I love.
I’m doing this for me, only because I know how much this means to me.
Everything is mostly situated. I feel like shit because I took a 1 hour nap after sleeping only 2 hours today, I feel mostly accomplished though. I still have to look for a hotel but other than that, I’m good. Work actually didn’t schedule me on my requested days off.
I realized I haven’t written much in this blog lately. I guess it’s good. It’s not that anything has changed, really. I still don’t get why things are happening but I’m taking it in stride. I guess the people that are in my life, want to be in my life. Still, I’m doing something I think is just long overdue. You know that gut feeling right? Always follow it. Maybe this trip will be enlightening and something I really, really needed. One can hope. At the very least, maybe I can gain a friend back that I feel like I’ve lost even if it isn’t the case. I don’t want to dwell on the negatives though. As I’ve said before, I can’t take everything as a slight or a reason. Sometimes things just happen even if it wasn’t intended.
So yeah, I’m excited because I think it’s going to be a fun time. I just want smiles and some good fucking times. Let a nigga get that
Starting a lockout at my job.