I guess I served my purpose. I remember saying, a loooong time ago that I wouldn’t leave/forget about her because a lot of people had in her past, even though I’m a stupid internet guy, I’d always be here for her or be somebody to talk to when you need it. I guess I never thought about myself, huh.
I can’t think about this much. It does no use. I got out all my anger/frustration/tears that night and can’t dwell on it anymore.
What I did realize is that I’m not apologizing for visiting somebody I wanted to when I had the chance. I wasn’t going to let things just happen. I wanted to have a good time. I followed my heart, it said “visit this person while you have the time/money/power” to. I didn’t have feelings like I was accused of “having reasons” for visiting. I swear on my grandmas grave. 5 months ago? Yes. A year ago? Definitely, I wouldn’t be going there with a clear mind, but I don’t know man. I’m just bummed because I was so excited to meet this person that I’ve talked to, shared with, helped, been helped by and put more into than anybody in recent memory. I mean for gods sake, I remember talking about visiting her in Orlando, NY, Cali, Toronto, and then Toronto again. This is something that I least expected, even with her not talking to me for 2 months, I thought it was because she was busy.
I won’t apologize for caring too much or “putting her on a pedestal”, because she does mean that much to me. I’ve moved on, but I guess I needed to “move on” again. I still won’t hate her. It’s not in my fucking blood as much as I want to. I just can’t reach out to somebody that probably stopped caring about me. a long while ago. I thought when she called back after the whole NY thing, she cared. It meant a lot. Life happens. I still wish her well and I pray that she gets better everyday. I wish it didn’t have to be like this but it was made very clear to me that everything in the past year plus apparently meant shit and I served my purpose. Any moment things can change. Nobody is safe. It sucks, but it is what it is. In this world you have to hurt people before they hurt you, and I’m a dummy that prides myself on not hurting anybody.
Anyway, all I wanted to do was chill. Like Large Professor, but it didnt happen so yeah. Going to go grub.
P.S. Toronto is a beautiful city. Nice, clean, beautiful people. I would like to visit when its not cold as fuck. It wasn’t even snowing, but I’m too used to this heat.