lopster

Actually happy for the first time in a long while. Just because I’m content, really.

Sorry my posts in here suck lately. I don’t write much anymore because, well, I usually wrote when something was bugging me or too much to keep inside. I really don’t have much to complain about, I guess a small part of me feels really empty but it just serves as a caveat of life that you can’t control anything.

Still learning everyday.


Life takes the craziest turns.


I won’t beat up on myself too much though. I just need positive energy. I appreciate whoever has been adding to that, and again, fuck you to everybody else trying to impress people by talking shit. I think its funny when 30 year olds on the internet are still trolling because they have nothing better to do.


Everybody can say its not my fault but what difference does it make? I think I deserve everything that comes to me in some sense.


On the real though. I am content with life at the moment. Not happy, just content. Living it one day at a time, and I think thats best.


This is an apology letter to the both of us
for how long it took me to let things go
It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open

Buddy Wakefield

Just when I think I express myself well, others have a way with words to describe a situation better than you can yourself.


Wow I’m really losing it.

I don’t want you out of my life but if its to benefit my mental health, I guess I have to. This losing people close to you thing 1 by 1 hurts.


Rustie is my new god.


Lesson learned.

I guess I served my purpose. I remember saying, a loooong time ago that I wouldn’t leave/forget about her because a lot of people had in her past, even though I’m a stupid internet guy, I’d always be here for her or be somebody to talk to when you need it. I guess I never thought about myself, huh.

I can’t think about this much. It does no use. I got out all my anger/frustration/tears that night and can’t dwell on it anymore.

What I did realize is that I’m not apologizing for visiting somebody I wanted to when I had the chance. I wasn’t going to let things just happen. I wanted to have a good time. I followed my heart, it said “visit this person while you have the time/money/power” to. I didn’t have feelings like I was accused of “having reasons” for visiting. I swear on my grandmas grave. 5 months ago? Yes. A year ago? Definitely, I wouldn’t be going there with a clear mind, but I don’t know man. I’m just bummed because I was so excited to meet this person that I’ve talked to, shared with, helped, been helped by and put more into than anybody in recent memory. I mean for gods sake, I remember talking about visiting her in Orlando, NY, Cali, Toronto, and then Toronto again. This is something that I least expected, even with her not talking to me for 2 months, I thought it was because she was busy.

I won’t apologize for caring too much or “putting her on a pedestal”, because she does mean that much to me. I’ve moved on, but I guess I needed to “move on” again. I still won’t hate her. It’s not in my fucking blood as much as I want to. I just can’t reach out to somebody that probably stopped caring about me. a long while ago. I thought when she called back after the whole NY thing, she cared. It meant a lot.  Life happens. I still wish her well and I pray that she gets better everyday. I wish it didn’t have to be like this but it was made very clear to me that everything in the past year plus apparently meant shit and I served my purpose. Any moment things can change. Nobody is safe. It sucks, but it is what it is. In this world you have to hurt people before they hurt you, and I’m a dummy that prides myself on not hurting anybody.

Anyway, all I wanted to do was chill. Like Large Professor, but it didnt happen so yeah. Going to go grub.

P.S. Toronto is a beautiful city. Nice, clean, beautiful people. I would like to visit when its not cold as fuck. It wasn’t even snowing, but I’m too used to this heat.


Traveling is fun

The process of traveling is a fucking nightmare

Getting a passport

Buying tickets

Getting a hotel thats not shitty and isnt expensive as fuck

Transportation (Taxis/buses/rental cars)

Sitting on a train for 17-20 hrs (thats my fault)

Packing

Unpacking

Making sure you dont forget to pack stuff

Delays

Money

Jesus christ this is all very draining


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