late night eye-opening conversations with jp and millie.

i think anything i post after this will be less than a paragraph. for my sake and whoever reads it. its a challenge to fit so much into something so small, but i can do it~

i haven’t cried like that in a while. half liberating / half feeling like a bitch.

its pretty much everything ive kept inside trying to stay this strong person that i think i am. im always listening and helping and sometimes i neglect myself. scratch that, i pretty much always neglect myself. venting here barely helps.

i said some things i meant and didn’t mean today, or maybe have said wrong. heard some things that make me second guess why i still put myself through this. why i didnt just “leave” while i had all the right to. its all words. hurt words. i just want the best for somebody i love dearly. simply put. i wouldn’t do what i do and what ive done if i didnt. i don’t mean to make things about myself, but its all so intertwined. everybody is hurt. its hard not to relate.

i dont know. i need sleep. i just dont want to feel like a fucking regret towards the only person that makes me tick. its awful.

probably useless and better off dead. honestly.

i’d rather be anybody fucking else but me. no need to try and convince me otherwise.

i dont know where im going. bye.

my whole life has transpired into this very moment. how i feel, what i do, how i react. you are woven into parts of my past even i have forgotten

just continue to live until it falls into place.

all i can do, right?

feel like im gonna spontaneously combust

who knows.

I don’t think missing a great opportunity and looking back on it with regret is the worst thing, nor is taking something for granted and letting it slip out and realizing after the fact - the only person at fault is yourself, I think the most tragic thing is knowing how precious and great the moment is while it’s happening and still losing it in the process. Nothing can make your stomach drop more.

Anywho, holiday pay work flow (whilst being granted the last 2 AM shift in the foreseeable future (sigh) but whatever). Afterwards probably just eating and hopefully having a long overdue skypetawk with T. Our plans are the worst plans though, so I can’t bank on it. I just can’t quantify the missseseses that I have for this girl. Every day it grows. hahahah

this scene of people talking on a balcony in havana cuba overlooking the city streets is strangely calming. i wish i had one over a bustling street in new york. just to watch the people. all unique. all have their own problems and joys.